Yoga Mat for Sale on Craig’s List March 2, 2013

Following, is one of my most widely appreciated blog posts! If you missed it the first time around, you must take a minute, to enjoy!

Yes, I know that this is not a joke blog, but it’s cold, wet and grey here and this made me laugh, which is something we can all use, from time to time, on a winter’s day!

Yoga Mat for Sale Ad on Craigslist
By MindBodyGreen

Any takers?

Here’s the full text from the Seattle Craigslist ad below:
Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)

It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.

The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?

It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.

Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.

Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
Any takers?! You can check out the actual picture of the mat and full ad for yourself here.

Pretty good, eh? I love yoga, but have never tried the “hot yoga”. After reading this, I probably never will!

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  1. kim on January 24, 2012 at 3:52 am

    I have laughed so hard I have tears running down my face. Thanks for the good laugh!

  2. jenny on January 24, 2012 at 3:55 am

    I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard! I really need a good laugh…tears were streaming down my face. Thank you for making my 3:30 am wake up call enjoyable! 🙂

  3. Tami Fandrei on January 24, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Oh my goodness. That was the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for the much needed laugh! I am really enjoying your blog and hope to get to visit your shop soon!

    • Barbara Bussey on January 24, 2012 at 7:10 am

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it as much as I did, and let me know! I hesitated before posting it, but it really is a gem worth sharing!

      • Tami Fandrei on January 24, 2012 at 11:02 am

        I hope it’s okay that I shared it on my Facebook this morning! I’m still laughing.

  4. Amanda on January 24, 2012 at 9:40 am

    So very funny! I also laughed until I cried! Thank you for sharing!

  5. Debbie Kick on January 24, 2012 at 10:37 am

    OMG that is hysterical. I’ve done hot yoga, and my first time I was appalled at the sweat, ewwww. Threw up in my own mouth waiting for the class to start. Not to mention I was in a class with a sweet, smiling client next to me, and one of the attorneys in our office behind me and my big a*#. Charming it was. I have to say though, once you get past the nastiness of the sweat and smells, it felt amazing to sweat it all out of every pore in my bod. Give me a call when you want to go….! (But because of the experience and the massive amounts of sweat, not sure I’d buy a used mat, no matter what the background story is!)

  6. Curtis on January 24, 2012 at 10:59 am

    OMG, this is SOO funny. I am sitting here at my desk with tears running down my face from laughing so hard. When my wife and I were first married, 33 years ago, we decided we would take a Yoga class together, big mistake!!! I could not even begin to get my body into those tortured, twisted contortions… oh how this took me back to then…. thank you for sharing this made my day, I cannot get the smile from my face !!
    Blessings , Curtis

  7. Bliss on January 24, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Now THAT’S funny!!!!


  8. Kirsty on January 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    So funny! Thanks for sharing it! xo Kirsty

  9. Dee@ Small House Life on January 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm


    I take it you’re not crazy about yoga.. dee 🙂

  10. FABBY on January 24, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Oh boy did I laugh so much I almost dropped! Thank you for this, I’m a laugher so I just loved this!…and hey, I love Yoga. Have a great evening.

  11. Lavender Dreams on January 25, 2012 at 7:37 am

    I came over from Kim’s…and am still laughing with her! Very funny! Just what I needed this morning! ?

    • Barbara Bussey on January 25, 2012 at 7:42 am

      Wasn’t that a gem? Thanks for stopping by! I’m off to your blog!

  12. Rachel on January 25, 2012 at 8:00 am


  13. Karena on March 3, 2013 at 6:44 am

    So funny you made my day Barbara! I think when I am ready to start rehab again I will start with Pilates instad of Yoga!
    Art by Karena

    • Barbara Bussey on March 3, 2013 at 7:16 am

      Hello sweetness! Glad you enjoyed! It certainly won’t be hot yoga, for me! I HATE being hot, and these visuals coming into my mind, wouldn’t help!
      Take care, Barbara

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